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[25 Dec 2008|10:33am] |
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well hello livejournal, it's been a while! kbye
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[17 Oct 2008|05:44pm] |
france in december. won't be spending the holidays with my family, seriously depresses me. twenty second birthday after that... OLD!!! (alexis, hit me up, we need to have a joint party!)
can't wait until i graduate. i'm trying to stay afloat until then.
oh and i'm running 26.2 miles on february 16. wish me luck
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| hi |
[27 Sep 2008|09:40am] |
hi,
i sometimes forget who i am, what i'm doing, and why i am doing it. this is one of those times. i felt like i was in a daze for a few days- still in the routine, but slightly detached. a few days turned into a few weeks. i'm afraid it will turn into a few months, and then seem completely normal.
there are so few things that i really truly enjoying doing anymore. is it because i don't feel challenged anymore? i'm not really sure. however, i am sure that i need to get out of this daze and feel good again.
yeah
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| train(ing) |
[23 Jul 2008|05:42pm] |
i was on the train on my way home from work today, and this woman comes on with two young daughters. she's in one of those electric wheel chairs, and it's pretty evident where the threesome lies in relation to the poverty line. one of the girls was sitting behind her in the chair (the younger of the two) and the other girl had a crazy bowl haircut and was missing her front tooth. as grungy and desolate as they looked, they were having the time of their lives just being together. they laughed the entire time and you could tell that they had a really strong bond and really only needed eachother. i couldn't help but smile watching that scene play out.
the older of the daughters ended up next to me and started telling me about her dollar bill. i said it came from the bank and she said yeah, that's where all the money comes from. she told me she wished everyone in the world had all the money they needed, so we wouldn't "have to pay bills" anymore, and there wouldn't be any more worries. she was the cutest thing, and i asked her if she had all the money she wanted what would she buy. she said she would buy a HUGE pool for everyone in the world. i asked her if there would be a slide and her face lit up and she replied "yeah and it would come from the sky! it would be huge!" she said there would be a baby pool too for the babies, and i said would there be dolphins and fish too?
she asked me where i was getting off and if i could please stay on one more stop.
i felt sad leaving her.
i don't know why i wrote all of this, but it meant something to me i guess. i wish i could've told her that money doesn't solve all problems and make everything easier. sometimes it makes things much more difficult.
i hope she owns a real pool someday
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[14 Jul 2008|07:19pm] |
this summer has been slow, uneventful, but still emotionally tumultuous. bad thoughts and bad habits return with renewed vigor. it's like i just can't get away.
but i feel like i'm stepping back into a positive phase, with friends helping. april is leaving tomorrow and i'm going to be sad. things haven't been the greatest between us as of this weekend, but it's my fault completely. i'm self-centered and inconsiderate and i get away with it for the most part. this time it caught up with me and drove a wedge right between me and someone i care dearly about. i don't know what to do except say i'm sorry, which i've done, but she's really hurt. i don't blame her.
internship is going well...
i'm just a mixed bag
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[22 Jun 2008|08:49pm] |
i have way too much time on my hands, and it's making me depressed.
i find myself pulling away from friends again... why do i always do this? the one thing that i need the MOST right now is family and friends, and support and love. yet i still do this. i feel so disillusioned and confused.
meanwhile my internship is fantastic, my brain is recovering from school, and i just finished a good book. i can't wait to get started on a new one- i'm thinking i'm going to read an easy french book, or perhaps another networking book. not sure yet.
the roommate situation is working out quite nicely, i've found a new one and her name is kristen :). she's coming all the way from colorado, and has a job set up in downtown LA (quite close to where i work, in fact). i'm really sad that april is moving out as she's been a great roommate and a pleasure to live with. i hope she feels the same.
i just want to sleep..
goodnight
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[24 May 2008|08:14am] |
so far, i got A's in two of my five class. i kicked ass on my management final! i was the first one done and afterwards the professor said to me "i expect great things from you." i consistently did very well in his class, and i have him again next semester so i'm glad i'm in his good graces already. i also got an A in business law. i actually really enjoyed that class. i've always had a little thing for law.
kris and i went to dinner last night and then watched some tv. gosh, i don't know what to do. he gets mad because i don't "open up" to him. and he's right, i have major issues with that stuff. i want him to change that part of me, but he wants me to want to change for us and not just for the sake of changing.
i don't know, it's complicated. but i really like him and i do care about him. and from what he says/how he acts, he feels the same. i really hope everything works out and i hope we get closer over the summer. i hope i wont' be a failure in relationships, especially my first real one.
i can't wait to get the summer rolling and get all involved in my internship. i can't stand not having anything to do!
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| wexley.com |
[22 May 2008|02:15pm] |
i read an article in business week about this advertising firm, wexley school for girls (yes, that's what it's called). so i checked out the website and e-mailed them.
www.wexley.com <-- seriously check it out, and read the blogs. they're especially hilarious.
and this is what happened
-----Original Message-----
From: Gisele Schaaf [mailto:gschaaf@csulb.edu]
Sent: Thursday, May 22, 2008 9:46 AM
To: Brian Marr
Subject: Employment
Hi Brian,
I could begin this e-mail with extravagant flattery about
how great your agency is, but I'm sure you already know
that. I was also considering commencing with the mumbo
jumbo of my personal information, but I figured let's not
waste your and my time if there simply aren't any
employment/internship opportunities available.
Basically, I want to work for your company, and pretty
badly too. A few mornings ago, I was sittin' back with my
Businessweek and a cup of java, reading the article about
Wexley School for Girls. It reminds me of my life: vibrant
and high-energy, mixed with hard work and perseverance,
and with a touch of spice for taste.
Let me know what I can do to make this dream a reality.
-Gisele Schaaf, Southern California
Hey Gisele -
If you read the article and took away that the most tan, athletic,
brilliant, creative, handsome and humble creative entity on the planet
doesn't want to hear how awesome we are, you clearly need to look at
that photo one more time.
Definitely a maybe possibility on the internship - send me your resume
along with the best cover letter you've ever composed and we'll take it
from there :)
Brian Marr
Managing Director
Wexley School for Girls, LLC
2218 5th Ave, Seattle WA 98121
t: 206.438.8989
e: brianm@wexley.com
http://www.wexley.com
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[22 May 2008|09:04am] |
i have two more finals today, and then i'm done! for now anyway.
should i go down to the valley tomorrow? i'm kind of craving heat and boredom.. just a little taste though.
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| yogurtland got a new flavor -- peanut butter! |
[20 May 2008|12:22pm] |
final frenzy has set in and you can almost smell it in the air at csulb. group projects, all nighters, and lots of caffeine is necessary to get through this week. (unless you've actually studied all semester like you're supposed to...)
anyway i can't wait until summer can officially begin.
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| arggghhh shiver me timbers |
[18 May 2008|06:34pm] |
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i went to san diego to visit the family yesterday, and it was quite an extraordinary day. we started out with a tasty lunch at this restaurant across from the bay. i gave renee her gift, a simple gold bracelet with "love" in about 8 different languages engraved on it. i think she really liked it, and i'm glad, because it meant a lot to give it to her. after lunch we went to the maritime museum (a.k.a. the MARINETIME museum, according to renee) and went on a cruise around the harbor. one of the ships there, the Surprise, did a salute to the Star of India by shooting off two cannons (not really cannons though), and it was SO LOUD! i was really surprised! it echoed all around the harbor. after that first ship ride, we walked around the various museums. the submarine was my favorite, because i've always been curious about them. my dad would tell me what it's like to be on one, and how they operated, and it always intrigued me that they were submerged for so long and at such a deep depth. it's like they were in space, but underneath the earth instead of above. i learned about pirates, their rules, the way they lived and ate, and the definition of the word "maroon'd" (look it up!).
we also were able to go aboard the Star of India. it's original name was the Euterpe, and it's a windjammer ship. she is the oldest ship afloat in the U.S. and apparently, according to renee although wikipedia doesn't specify, you have to be invited to be on the ship when it actually sails.
we had dinner at the edgewater grill in seaport village, and then off to the national comedy theater (did i get the name right?). it was an improve theater, and the actors/games were HILARIOUS! even my dad was laughing. my sister and i were pulled on stage, and that was fun... for her. i'm sure i was beet red the whole time. what is up with stage fright and does it ever go away?!
the night ended very happily, and i think we were all content. i felt like i bonded with them much more than in recent visits. that makes me so so happy.
today was a nice day. i worked out, tanned, had lunch with friends, and now i'm doing homework with jocelyn.
wish me lunch next week!
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| P.A.C.E |
[15 May 2008|08:27am] |
i have had this increasingly strong urge to write. i hear these stories about people for whom writing is a form of therapy, so i guess it won't hurt to give it a try!
from a macroperspective, my life is good. and for the most part i am happy with the way it's going. but from a microperspective, days are sometimes hard to get through. and i know why, because there's really only one little things that it comes down to.
i don't like myself, at all.
i am not happy with the way i look or with my intentions/actions. i am so self-centered, i can't even believe it myself sometimes. it's like i'm scared to put myself out there and help other people because... AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! i can't think of a big event in my past that would cause me to be this guarded, really. jessica and kris, two people who are close to me, think it has something to do with my mom. but i honestly don't agree, because she didn't really hurt me. or maybe she did and i just don't realize it.
i really honestly want to be less self involved, but i don't know how to go about it.
kris and i had a really long/deep conversation yesterday about the way i am, and why. we couldn't figure out why (surprise, surprise) but there are definitely some things i need to work on. the point i was trying to drive home for him was that it takes time. the only anologies i could come up with were about marathon training (the longer time you devote to training, the more likely you will complete the marathon and want to/be able to run another none), crash diets (they never work, because they're not a long term LIFESTYLE change), and i forget what else. he understood what i was saying, but his point was that he doesn't think i want to change... deep down. and i DO, i just don't know how. i need help from him, and from those around me. but i feel like sometimes i start to change, like i did with him, and i just relapse and fall into my old habits. like any normal person would i guess
i'm the type of person that unless i see an immediate change, i become discouraged and walk away. hence, one of another set of attributes i need to fix. ah! just so much to do, i don't know where to start.
and then there's the body image issue, oh God. who hasn't heard me ranting about this before. see? even I'M annoyed by my own self-consciousness. that says a lot.
when i look back to high school and when i was younger, i don't remember having problems this bad before. perhaps they were there, but only in very tiny amounts, and it took this long for them to really bloom. or perhaps college has changed me. that's definitely a plausible alternative, but again when i look back at the past 3 years, i don't think so.
well i guess the jist of it, aside from all this explanation/complaining/realization, is that
i need to change. for my sake, for the people that i care about's sake, for the sake of people i will come into contact with in the future's sake.
and i need everybody's help. if you catch me being negative, or putting someone down, or just being a fucking bitch- CALL ME ON IT. be nice at first, but if i persist, be mean and show me that i need to change.
why am i even writing about this in here? renee is like the only one who reads it anymore.
but anyways, yeah.
brad, my old co-worker, told me about P.A.C.E.
Positive Attitude Creates Effect
i am going to try to remember that during my day-to-day activities
wish me luck
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[14 May 2008|05:35pm] |
hey renee,
happy birthday :)
love you
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[07 May 2008|08:59pm] |
things are just crazy lately. emotions are up, everyone is leaving soon. i miss kris..
that whole thing is so confusing, i don't know what i'm feeling.
but for the most part, everything is under control. and i've just recently realized how big an issue control is to me. i think that is a big part of why i have trouble in a romantic relationship, because i'm not in full control, and i can't be. and i can't stand not being in control. i really want to be capable of being in a relationship though, so i guess i need to just "lose control."
easier said than done!
this weekend should be fun, SCPD banquet on friday night, after which everyone is going out! then saturday is tan day @ the beach.. yes! i want to be tan this summer. oh wow and i almost forgot, friday is the first day of my internship! i'm excited/nervous. i really hope it goes well, because it kind of sets the pace for the rest of the summer. i pray that it will!
goodnight
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[04 May 2008|12:17pm] |
well, things are good.
i just realized that i usually only write when things are good, and although i rarely write in here anymore, things seem to be good a lot more than before.
kris and i had a talk, and i thought it was the end of it, but we both still have feelings. i don't know where the hell that's going to go, but most of my friends agree that he's not right for me or my life. i don't know if i like HIM, or the IDEA of him. he makes me feel so good, and i like his personality most of the time. i like to spend time with him, sometimes. i tend to stress myself out thinking that i have to be perfect when i'm around him. that's not how it's supposed to be- i'm supposed to feel comfortable with who i am. i just.. i think too much! it always seems to come down to that. and i've realized that when i don't think, i do so much better and am so much happier. but then i think about not thinking, and end up thinking! it's all a vicious cycle. anyway, we've been text messaging and he explicitly said he still cares about me, but implied that it's up to me whether our relationship continues. so i just don't know. i want to talk to him in person... after this weekend perhaps i will be more solid.
as for school, it's going great! i love school. wow, am i a nerd or what. but i really do, i love the feeling of doing well (and earning it), i love to learn. i just really like the intensity/complexity of it.
SAM is going okay, i'm struggling to put it together for next semester. i want it to be successfull, but this semester really fucked us over. i have been shooting out e-mails like crazy searching for any help. i really hope God decides to bless me with some awesome opportunity that will put us on the map.
oh man, yesterday i started bawling in my care because i was thinking about everybody who is leaving this summer. it really depresses me, because these people are close to me and i love them. jocelyn leaves the day after graduation, but to glendale (could be worse). i have become so close to this girl, and i really felt a connection. like i feel like we could be lifelong friends.
april is moving mid july, to arizona! she got a great job and is excited, but we're all really sad at the same time. the three of us have become really close and do practically everything together. what's even sadder is that she's recently become really involved with this guy matt, and they like eachother so much. they've talked about her leaving, but are going to live it up until then.
and then there's kira, my violin teacher. we have the best talks, and she knows me better then a violin teacher should knwo their student! i tell her everything, and sometimes i feel like she's my therapist and teacher. i love her and am so excited for her to begin her new life in new york, but really sad too. i've been taking lessons with her for like a year and a half now, and it's been the best.
i know that i will be okay next year, because i have other friends, but these three are such a big part of my life. i don't want to think about it anymore!
oh! and my huge summer internship dilemma ws solved. i've decided to take an internship at FSN West (fox sports). i'm really excited! i will basically be an assistant, so there will be grunt work. but the networking opportunities will be good, and the industry is appealing to me. there's a whole backstory to the internship drama, which i'll write later.
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[27 Mar 2008|06:40pm] |
man, do i have some updates for you journal!
first and foremost, i am dating someone! wow, never thought i'd get the chance to say that and mean it. he's wonderful though, i really like him. he's definitely my type and all of my friends seem to like him. we're taking things really really slow, just the way i like/need it. we've been on one AMAZING date. he took me to the beach and we had a little picnic dinner. he came very well prepared with dinner, wine, s'mores, tiki torches, wood for the pit, kites!, a volleyball, 2 chairs, and a blanket. it was so romantic, and we cuddled, but we still have yet to kiss. ahhh he's amazing!
okay enough of that smushy stuff,
school is going great, my grades are good. i'm really involved, which i love. this summer looks promising. i have an interview with Fox Sports for a summer internship. this means two things: i will have to cancel my trip to france, and i will be working in los angeles (commute?). i'm STOKED though and i hope i get the internship!
i've been running a lot, and i've ran two 5K's so far. yeah yeah, 5K's are measly compared to what's out there, but it's a start and i love racing. my roommate goes too, and kris (the guy i'm dating). and robert barrett came to our last one, but i smoked him! haha (do you still have LJ bob?). there's a race in fashion island this sunday, and then the next weekend in seal beach, both of which i am registered for. our new friend ian is running this next one with me, yay! so far my best time is an 8 minute mile, but i'm hoping to cut that down. unfortunately, i became very ill today (flu) and could not run. i'm not sure how i'll feel tomorrow, but i pray that i can run 6 miles tomorrow, and then 6 on friday, and then 3 on saturday, and then the race on sunday.
oh! and i finally got new running shoes, so hopefully my shin splints will go away.
hmm, anything else new? i don't think so. i'm still playing the violin, infact i have a lesson in like 4 minutes.
i haven't been to brawley since christmas, when i think of brawley i think of heat suffocation and boredom, although i do miss my dad so very much.
feels damn good to write again
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[01 Mar 2008|12:41pm] |
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i haven't updated this thing in a while. life is craazzyyy right now, and sometimes i feel as if i'm abandoning those who mean the most to me. i talk to my old friends less, while becoming closer to my new friends. i guess it's all a part of the cycle, the cycle where you waver on the radar. but i'm still here, and still thinking of them.
life is so good right now, so so good. i hope nothing happens to ruin it.
love you all
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[26 Nov 2007|08:57am] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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i'm registering for spring semester today. registration is one of the most stressful times for me, because i want my schedule to be perfect but something always goes wrong! it's frustrating. i have three minutes until 9:00... and i'm nervous (wtf).
yesterday was really great. the fam went to lunch (yumm, crest cafe) and then to balboa park to hear the giant organ be played. it was really awesome! then we walked around the park and finally had dinner at bringantine. it was a good day :).
this friday is the holiday mixer for SCPD.. and i'm excited!
time to register..
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| new |
[20 Nov 2007|06:18am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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i love the freshness of the early morning air. and i'm talking early, like 6 a.m. i feel like most of the world is asleep, and it's quiet and nobody is yelling and everybody is peaceful. anyways it's that time right now and i'm just enjoying it before i go work out. i thought i would update the good old LJ since i haven't had time to do so in a while.
classes are going well, although not as well as last semester. i feel like i've been slacking a bit more, but only because i have way more of a social life than last semester. and i feel like it's a worthwhile trade off. this weekend i went to dinner at a labanese place in L.A. with a group of ten, and then about half of us went to a club where a party was being thrown by a fellow club. it was such a fun night! i've made so many new friends this semester i can't even believe it. i love seeing people i actually can say hi to and talk to, around CBA. it's so refreshing from the past two years when i knew but a single person or two.
and today is the last day before thanksgiving break begins, yessss. i have to work tomorrow and then i'm home until saturday night/sunday morning (staff meeting sunday morning, ugh!). speaking of which, i still work at penguin and i love it. my co-workers are awesome and i feel like they're one of my families. so i have to work on wednesday then i'm taking off on wednesday night. we're doing barbara worth country club again this year, because nobody wants to cook. well actually renee wants to cook, but i feel like whenever someone in the family cooks, something goes wrong (fighting, mess that I end up cleaning up by myself, fire). just kidding about the fire.. but it is possible? anyways i like barbara worth, but as long as we're together on thanksgiving i don't care if we eat beans out of a can.
and then on saturday it's dad's birthday. i got him.. of course.. the mustache shirt from penguin. it's hard to buy for him since he always gives renee and me the same line "i don't need anything." hopefully he gets a kick out of it
yep, the love life still does not exist. i'm getting kind of worried that i'll never find anyone and that i will grow up to be an old maid. that is a sad and depressing thought, and i hope it doesn't become a truth. but i continue to wait, patiently.
and one more thing. i miss my best friend! mallroy if you read this, i miss you! i hope we get to hang out a lot over thanksgiving, and "go running" as we say we will. although running will probably morph into eating leftovers. hahaha love you!
k i'm done, time to get a-sweatin'!
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gizzie's journal